


tell me what you need (i don’t have the answer)

by neverwhere (nekrateholic)



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, also sandeul for 0.01 seconds. sort of, mostly taekwoon-centric tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-05 14:24:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15865419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekrateholic/pseuds/neverwhere
Summary: It takes a while before Taekwoon can pass for a functional human being again.





	tell me what you need (i don’t have the answer)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [enpleurs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enpleurs/gifts).
  * Inspired by [beautiful target (this time is over)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8725597) by [enpleurs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enpleurs/pseuds/enpleurs). 



It takes a while before Taekwoon can pass for a functional human being again. According to Hongbin he was never really, even before what feels like the whole world decided they want him dead. (The strangest part is, the Soliarians barely even register in Taekwoon’s mind). Then again, the very few times Taekwoon had to venture out of his room, Hongbin never ever let him out of his sight.

Taekwoon finds it a little odd, how the whispers aren't quite as loud this time. Maybe it's not as exciting the second time around.

Or maybe they've gotten better at being discreet.

His social status must be in shambles now - or who knows, maybe two murder attempts in so little time shoot your status into the ugly grey sky. Not counting the status you’re born into, of course. Taekwoon has never really cared either way.

The important part is that Taekwoon is mostly functional now and his family, the outside world wants to see him again.

Taekwoon avoids them all with a determination that makes his party-self seem friendly.

"Lord Sandeul sent you a gift," Hongbin says one day, dropping a neatly wrapped package on his desk. Taekwoon is staring out the window - he's been doing that a lot, now that he can straighten up enough to see the window.

"I don't want it."

"I never asked," Hongbin replies, somewhat resigned. He doesn't take the package away, though. When Taekwoon doesn't really move - or react in any way - Hongbin just sighs. The door clicks shut behind him.

In the end, while Taekwoon can pass for a functional human being again - he rarely finds it in himself to care enough to try.

☙⚔❧

It's paper.

Taekwoon leafs through the sheets but they're just that - blank sheets of paper. It's not the fanciest quality but it still feels somewhat soft when Taekwoon runs his finger along it. There is a folded note lying on the top sheet.

It says: _I've found writing can serve as a nice substitute to contact with people who wish not to be contacted._

Taekwoon briefly considers if he should feel... something. Offended, maybe. That someone he's consciously known for maybe two months would make such an assumption.

Maybe he should. Feelings seem like such a foreign concept lately, though.

Taekwoon crumples the note and flicks it somewhere to his left. The maids who'll pick it up probably can't read it anyway.

And even if any of them happen to be able to, well.

Taekwoon can't find it in himself to care.

☙⚔❧

He picks up the pen quite a few times before any words find their way to Sandeul’s paper. A few of those times the pens end up across the room, shattered.

☙⚔❧

~~_Dear N,_ ~~

~~_I hate y_ ~~

_~_

_Dear N,_

~~_I miss_ ~~ ~~_I hate you_ ~~

_Why?_

_~_

_Dear N,_

_I don't know why I keep starting these letters. I'll never finish them and you'll never receive them. I guess I just like the idea that in some odd, alternative universe I can still talk to you. Even if you_ ~~_broke_ ~~ _betrayed me._

_Is it really betrayal if this was your goal from the beginning? Your blade goes to the highest bidder._

_Still, I_ ~~_trusted_ _y_ ~~ _wish it could be different._

_Then again, I'm alive, aren't I?_

☙⚔❧

There are steps down the hallway and Taekwoon spreads open the first book he sees over the letter. The pen clatters to the ground but he doesn’t dare pick it up.

And then he sees it - it's one those ironies in life - like the person you somehow convinced yourself to trust unconditionally stabbing you in the back. Quite literally.

Because on top of that letter that Taekwoon isn’t quite ready to admit he wrote yet… it’s that same boring book on international trade Taekwoon had that first night. The pages flutter and Taekwoon whips around with speed he’d forgotten he’s capable of - but it’s just the early morning breeze. One of the maids left a window open earlier and Taekwoon never really got to closing it.

When Hongbin finally enters his room, he finds Taekwoon frowning.

"You're reading again," Hongbin starts, voice full of suspicion. "I thought you only did that to avoid people."

Taekwoon merely shrugs.

Hongbin takes a cursory look around the room and his eyes settle on Taekwoon again. A beat later he adds, "I'll tell lord Sandeul you liked his gift."

For a few moments it feels like he's waiting for Taekwoon to respond.

Inevitably, like all the times before, he gives up and leaves. For the first time, however, Taekwoon feels a pang of... _something_ in his chest.

☙⚔❧

_Dear N,_

_Hongbin hates you, you know. He hates himself too. I think for that, I hate you too._

~~_But I mi_ ~~

~

_Dear N,_

_Sometimes I wonder if there was anything real at all? I like to think there was but I seem to make a lot of wrong decisions when it comes to you._

_~_

~~_Dear_ ~~

_Sometimes I wish your blade had gone half a touch to the side._

☙⚔❧

There's a thump outside Taekwoon's window. He drops his pen in his haste to run to the balcony. The last time someone used his window like this -

There's soft meowing when Taekwoon rips his curtains open. The flash of hope, excitement, anger bubbles out of him like it was never there. When he opens the door to let the cat in, however, there's something that feels suspiciously a lot like a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Small miracles.

☙⚔❧

_Dear N,_

_Someone left the cat at my balcony. I'm not entirely sure how they managed to get there, but it’s sleeping on my pillow now. Hongbin doesn't know - I have a feeling he won't like it either._

~~_I wonder if I want to keep it so much because it reminds me of you_ ~~

_~_

_Dear…_

_I wish I had a name to call you. Not N, something… real. Although, I suppose someone like you won’t ever let that be known._ ~~_But who am I to say_ ~~

_~_

_It hurt so much, N. I kept screaming, did you hear that? I hoped you would. That you'd somehow come back and make it stop._

_And then Hongbin came back._

_For a second, there was disappointment - that it wasn't you. There was so much pain, N. There was my closest friend bruised and bloody, crying - I had never seen him cry before, did you know that? And there I was, dying, disappointed that it wasn't you to come and save me this time._

_I prefer to think it was the pain finally killing what was left of my sanity._

~~_The possibility that it could have been anything else terrifies me_ ~~

☙⚔❧

Taekwoon wakes up, drenched in sweat. The details of the dream slip away from his mind but he’s had it so often now… It’s not hard to imagine. The feeling of dread, disbelief, betrayal - it doesn’t fade as easy.

There aren’t hasty steps running down the hallway, at least. Maybe he was quiet for once.

☙⚔❧

_Dear N,_

_Hongbin found the cat. Unfortunately, his feelings towards it seem to be reciprocated - he now has a gash down his forearm. I expected he’d be mad at me - I assume the cat is just as much of a reminder to him as it is to me, even if the memories are slightly different._

_He did have this look in his eyes but, N,_ _it was..._ _it looked a lot like pity. I wonder how I look in his eyes._ ~~_I wonder how I looked in your eyes_ ~~

_The cat is still sleeping on my pillow. It’s fascinating how such a little creature can take up so much space._

_~_

_I can't sleep. I'm scared of the nightmares and the pain._ _~~And you're always there~~ _ _You're there too. You stand there and you have this sad smile on your lips and it's so much like that night_ _and ~~I can't~~ _ _I wish at least my dreams would make you into the despicable monster people make you out to be. This way at least I could mend my memories to turn you into that as well, to make it easier to hate you._ ~~_Could I?_ ~~ _Instead I get this N that gave me a cat. And killed two people to save me. And- But then again, this is what you do isn't it?_

_I think the worst of all is... You're the monster in everyone's eyes. They hate you. I should hate you._

_They don't know_

**_They_ **

**_don't_ **

**_know_ **

_~_

_Dear N,_

~~_I can't breathe_ ~~ _I'm feeling better. My body is feeling better, I suppose? I'm still not sure about the rest._ ~~_I keep waking up screaming_ ~~ _What's important is that the heir to the Azure seat is alive and getting better, isn’t it? Sometimes I hear the servants whisper things like these._

_I guess it's not a good thing for you. Or was it?_

_Why am I alive, N?_

☙⚔❧

“You’ve been reading a lot lately,” Hongbin says offhandedly. Taekwoon has known him long enough to hear the thousand meanings behind the words.

The letters feel like a blazing fire, hidden under his book.

He shrugs. "I'll have to socialize again soon. I figured I'd try to get back into the habit."

Hongbin snorts. He flips a page in his own book. Taekwoon is sure Hongbin did that not even ten minutes ago, too. The cat struts over and unceremoniously jumps on Taekwoon's lap. He scratches behind its ears without even thinking about it.

Hongbin glares at him but says nothing. He's been staying a little longer these days. Taekwoon would never admit it, out loud or on paper, but he's glad for the company.

☙⚔❧

_Dear N,_

_I think the cat misses you. It might just be me, though._

_~_

_Dear N,_

_I had to start going to balls again. It's just as terrible as I remember._ ~~_But maybe worse because now I know you won't be there_ ~~

_The poison might be invisible now and the scar is too, hidden under my clothes but people have this odd look in their eyes when they look at me. Like they see it._ ~~_Like they see you and they see what you did to me_ ~~ _Maybe I'm paranoid. Hongbin says I am but he rarely leaves my side these days._

 _I still hide. I suppose I won't give up this perk of royalty anytime soon._ ~~_Would you love me if I were born normal?_ ~~

_It’s almost painful, how normal everything is. Like you never happend at all. I’ve been thinking about it. If I wish you never happened at all._

_It’s probably stupid, Hongbin would certainly think it is - but I don’t think I do._

_~_

_Dear N,_

_Hongbin found the letters._

_I don't think I've seen him this furious yet. He told me I'm an idiot but I already knew that._

_I keep writing letters to the person who could've killed me._

_Who did try to kill me._ ~~_I wonder_ ~~

_I don't know why I keep writing these. Hongbin said you never cared but... the strangest part is, I don't think he believes it either._

_His scars haven't faded yet. When I look at them, it's a little easier to hate you._

_~_

~~_I think this is what hurts the most everyone knows you broke me but no one knows, no one can ever know_ **_how_ ** ~~

_Dear N,_

_The best and worst part, I think, is that no one knows. For them, there was a murder attempt. I survived and to them, all is done. To me… It’s a little like I’ve lived in a glass castle my whole life and I never knew until I found it in pieces and the pieces stab my skin. But only I can see the blood. Thank god I never smiled much in the first place._

_I wonder if there would be pity in their eyes if they knew._

~~_I know there wouldn’t be_ ~~

☙⚔❧

~~_Dear N_ ~~

~~_Dear_ ~~

_Dear Hakyeon,_

☙⚔❧

_Dear Taekwoon,_

_Hongbin gave these to me. Threw them at me, really. You'd be glad to know that I have my own set of scars now that I finally met him again. The cat doesn't seem to like me either. Traitorous thing._

_I suppose it took after me._

_Taekwoon,_

_I'm not sorry. But I'm here now._

_I will be for a while, I think._

**Author's Note:**

> so, hey.  
> i promise i'll try to keep this shorter than the actual fic ^^" for now  
> to say there was a lot of panic-screaming involved when i got this assignment (and through the whole writing process, honestly) would be a gross understatement. this time more than ever i wish i had at least a little of your a-novel-in-two-months magic but alas. it was an honor to be allowed to borrow your world. you're amazing <3  
> 


End file.
